Learn to read with zetsu san
by sharty-nara-girl
Summary: the dark zetsu and tobi cannot read. leader rules that all members must know how to read, so white zetsu decides to teach them. things go wrong, once again at itachi's expense. 2nd story in the akatsuki series im making R


_Because I got such good reviews with my last one-shot/skit, I decided to write another. This one mainly involves zetsu and tobi, so remember zetsu's split personality and tobi's and good boy who speaks in the third person. Things to keep in mind: _

_When Zetsu speaks in bold it means it's his dark side. When he words turn italic it means his light side is thinking. Bold and italic put together means his dark side is thinking._

_Oh and also I believe tobi is really madara and the true leader of akatsuki but I'm not going to involve that in this one-shot._

_Oh and one more thing, this is the second story in a series I've decided to make with different members of akatsuki, the first one is called looking for your two vagina's. And in this series, all of the stories with start with a member of akatsuki being extremely bored._

_Now that all is said and done you can read the one-shot now _

_**Learn to read with Zetsu san **_

**I'm bored….**

Then do something

**I can't do something unless you do it with me!**

Just read a book

**I can't!!!!**

You have one eye, read with it

**No I mean I can't read**

Where were you when auntie eggplant taught us how to read?!? _(lol)_

"Tobi can't read either dark zetsu san" chirped tobi.

"…have we been talking out loud all this time?" asked zetsu.

Before tobi had time to answer leader Sama walked in the room.

"It is now compulsory that all members must know how to read, this will go into effect in one hour" he said while looking at dark zetsu and tobi smugly, then walking out of the room.

"**WHAT! YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! I CAN'T LEARN TO READ IN ONE HOUR!!!! I'LL BE KICKED OUT OF AKATSUKI!!!!" **wailed dark zetsu pitifully.

"THAT MEANS I'LL BE KICKED OUT TOO!!!" wailed white zetsu twice as pitifully.

"BUT TOBI IS A GOOD BOY" cried tobi while zetsu muttered darkly to him.

"**That's the problem you idiot, the leader is trying to get you kicked out, and in the process I'll get the boot too!" **growled dark zetsu before trying to murder the good boy.

"Now now, I have a solution" said white zetsu while pulling his 'other half' off of tobi.

"I'll teach you both how to read!" he stated is an unusually cheery tone that just screamed 'this isn't going to end well'.

**5 minutes later…**

"Ok then, have we all got a pencil and a piece of paper" said white zetsu politely.

"**Yes mum" **chorused zetsu and tobi, tobi actually sound genuine.

"Let's begin then, starting with the vowels of the alphabet, A E I O U" said white zetsu.

Suddenly Kakuzu popped his head out of his room.

"I OWE YOU NOTHING! NOTHING I SAY!!!!" and with that he grabbed his money bags and ran off out of the base, leaving zetsu, tobi and their sweat drops behind.

"Umm…ok then, let's skip the alphabet and get straight to making words, would anyone like to try?" asked white zetsu.

"**Yes, A for asscream"** muttered dark zetsu quietly making tobi chuckle silently into his mask.

"I'm sorry, would like some ice-cream?" white zetsu asked in a tone that said 'choose your next words wisely'.

"**Yes, I would love some chocolate asscream" ** dark zetsu said smirking before having a white finger put dangerously close to his beady yellow eye.

"One more word and I'll poke you in the eye" growled white zetsu, while moving his finger closer to dark zetsu's eye to prove his point.

"**Oh no you didn't" **growled dark zetsu, then he pounced.

if you've ever wondered what it would be like to see someone wrestling themselves one the ground, the you'll probably want to be looking zetsu's way right about now.

Blood, hair and other pieces of zetsu went flying everywhere! Unfortunately all the racket attracted the attention of most of the akatsuki.

"What in the hell is goi…." Kisame decided not to finish that sentence as he set his gazed upon the one man wrestling match that was zetsu.

Instead he started a new sentence.

"Itachi, get the camera" kisame said. He was sure this would be prime blackmail material later on, and that kind of thing was rare when you lived in a house full of secretive s class criminals.

With all this commotion going on, nobody noticed tobi picking up pieces of zetsu's hair and Venus fly trap, then quickly running back into his room. Once inside, tobi ran towards wardrobe and parted his clothes to reveal…

A zetsu shrine!?!?

Yes, it was true. Tobi did indeed have a crush on zetsu, and because he was sure zetsu would never return his feelings, he collected anything that belonged to zetsu that he could get his hands on and with these things formed a shrine.

Tobi was very pleased with his shine and did whatever he could to improve it, admittedly he didn't get the zetsu doll placed in the middle of the shine from zetsu, and he had paid sasori to make it and had even given him a tip so he would keep quiet about it.

Then tobi clapped his hands and the lights around zetsu's picture lit up. "You really light up a room zetsu" tobi said dreamily and proceeded to make out with the zetsu doll.

**Back outside…**

"**I…hate…yoo…uuu" **dark zetsu huffed collapsing, evidently pulling white zetsu down with him.

"We…we can't go on like this, truce?" white zetsu asked gasping for air.

"….gasp….truce" dark zetsu gasped back.

At this the 'pair' fell unconscious, leaving kisame to take pictures of them drooling and tobi to make out with his zetsu dolly.

Fortunately for tobi and zetsu, the leader had been looking at the surveillance cameras at the time tobi had decided to make out with his zetsu doll, and renounced his ruling that everyone had to know how to read at the prospect of getting this much entertainment out of watching tobi trying to make love to a zetsu dolly.

But what of itachi?

"Kisame? Kisame I thought you said you'd be back in a minute? KISAME!!?!" yelled a naked itachi under kisame' sheets.

"Man….I can never get any without someone screwing it up. WILL I BE A VIRGIN FOREVER???!!!???" itachi shrieked.

Poor itachi….he had bought that expensive strawberry flavoured lube for nothing…..

**End **

_And that's it! I wasn't sure if my excuse for leader renouncing his rule that everyone had to know how to read would work out with the story, but in the end I thin it turned out alright. But I won't know if you don't tell me, so review already!!!! _

_Also, I would like to thank those of you would reviewed AND favourited my other story 'looking for your two vagina's', you gave me the push I needed to write this story. _

_So you know…thank you to: _

_**Lost alchemist **_

_**Vonnie-seiyuki-chan**_

_**Leanna10123 **_

_Ok, so I hope I can write some more but no guarantees because school is starting up again soon, but I will try…ohh and thankyou Austin powers for the ass-cream joke. _

_Bye bye bitches _


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